I am flawed, as we all are.

I look at those women on Instagram with their beautiful, calligraphy Psalms, highlighted and color-coded Bible pages and inspirations quotes and think:  Why can't I be happy like that?  They seem very calm, and content, and happy - what am I missing?

I have struggled with my faith, as I'm sure even the most "faithful" do on a regular basis.  I mean, isn't the the cornerstone of faith - test it constantly to make sure it is strong and supportive.  Why else would you kick the tires every time you pump gas?

Easter Week just happened - the holiest of Holy weeks.  Bigger deal for Christians that Christmas, even thought Christmas does steal the commercial-show every year, doesn't it?

I am trying very hard to be inspired.

To feel that sense of calm and warm and joy that I see all these other strangers in "Social Media Land" have, and just can't find it.

Then I thought, maybe I'm forcing it too hard?  A watched pot never boils (even though that is the dumbest expression because provided you're not watching a pot with the stove turned off, of course, it will eventually bubble.)

I try to be patient.  Pray quietly, and fear that I am not heard - or worse yet, I am heard, and ignored.

I fear that I have done wrong, and have fallen from favor.  And then I remind myself, I don't really believe that happens, so that can't be it.

I am afraid that I am too selfish or greedy - you get what you get, don't throw a fit.

The hard fact may be that I'm not looking in the right place.  Wrong church, wrong reading, wrong day, wrong mindset, who knows?

This is a very disappointing post - I don't have a neat little package to wrap up my tale of search.  No silver lining, and now I feel light and bright and beautiful.  Just a little lost in the dark still.  But I haven't given up all hope just yet.

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