7/29/13

Perfect Parent Advice

{throwback, retro, bringing back a good thing}

If you’ve read my blog at all, you’d know that I am the mom of two perfect and wonderful girls. They are always clean-faced and well-behaved. Having been in this parenting game for almost five years now, I am obviously an expert. You will want to take copious notes on the pearls of wisdom I am about to pass along.

What’s that? 
You don’t want my perfect advice on raising you kids? 
But I’m so smart. 
I always do everything exactly right and perfectly. 
My kids are so cute. 

Well, expect the little one doesn’t have much hair, so she’s confused as a boy more often than not. And the older one can’t really smile, keep her eyes open and look at the camera all at the same time. And that whole clean face thing is *technically* only true after bath time. And I may have left our toddler unattended while standing in a cart at Lowes, only to fall and chip her tooth. And I am often worried that a stranger will mistake us for a kidnapper, not the parent dragging the screaming children through the parking lot. And so what if I let the baby fall off the bed not once, but twice in the same morning. And some days I tell the kids that the playground is “closed” because I don’t feel like putting shoes on and trucking down there. Sesame Street is on – that’s practically the same thing. 


A while back, I was at a happy hour with a newly pregnant girlfriend. She drank water, I drank wine, we both ate French fries – I only did it to support her, obviously. She asked a thousand questions and I was more than happy to offer honest answers.
Yes, your boobs will balloon up like a porn star. No, they won’t stay that big and perky. Yes, you will probably poop on the delivery table. Yes, your husband will see it. Yes, he will still want to have sex with you even AFTER seeing it.

I joked about things that she “shouldn’t” do – like breast feed until your kid is in the second grade. And before you start the hate mail, put a leash on it. I honestly don’t care what you do. I’m getting there, be patient!  She asked “but you’d tell me if I was being totally ridiculous?” And I answered a very definite “Hell no!” I did admit that if she did breast feed her 7-year old, I would make snarky comments behind her back, but who was I to tell her what she should do with her boobs, kids, family, husband, body, food, money, faith or otherwise?

My point is this: there are a lot of nosey, know-it-all moms out there. I hate them. I hate the women who think that they need to blow out someone else’s candle for theirs to burn brighter. We are not in a competition – because if we were, I would totally kick your ass. Even if I had to cheat to do it. I like to win. But parenting isn’t a game. There’s no finish line or score to be kept.

Here’s the only tidbit you should follow: Find a few GOOD moms out there that you trust. 

What does a “good mom” look like you ask? Here’s the test to finding one: When you share a hardship, they will say “Oh my god! ME TOO!” If they don’t immediately react like that they understand, they are A) lying and B) not worth it. And make sure you return the favor. If things are hard – tell someone. Share your woes, so other mommy friends don’t feel alone either.

Being a mom is one of the best and hardest things I’ve ever done. It has pushed and tested me, and so far, despite all my fuck ups, my kids are still in one piece and thriving, no less! I promise you’re doing OK too, even if it doesn’t always feel like it. If it’s hard and if you’re worried, you’re doing it exactly right. 

1 comment:

Elizabeth Zentgraf said...

Its funny. I thought I was an expert parent until I became one! Great blog Liz...you always leave me inspired! Way to say it right! And BTW. Pretty sure my kids have fallen off the bed too!

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